Separation issues

With all of the shootings in the last 2 weeks, I've seen a lot of interesting, and some just downright stupid posts made about them. I realize they are just how people deal with these things-to make light of it with humorous "memes," or post their opinions about them, etc etc, but some people really just make my head spin with the way they think. 

I read one post tonight, for example, criticizing a page that was created on Facebook for one of the shooters-the one who committed the shooting in Clackamas Town Center, to be exact. It was something about how that person-the shooter-was evil and the page was a slap in the face to the victims. Usually, I wouldn't think much of it, but for some reason, this one sort of bugged me.

I am not by any means condoning what Jake Roberts did when he walked into the mall, pulled out a gun, and open-fired on innocent people. Far from it, in fact. I don't honestly care if he spends all eternity in hell. BUT, I think of it this way; his family, his friends, people who had known him all of his life-those people are now mourning, just like the family and friends of his victims are with their losses. Maybe my thinking here is a bit demented-but I can't honestly wrap my head around people not being able to at the very least, understand that his family and friends are mourning a loss as well right now. Not mourning a loss of a murderer, but mourning a loss of someone they knew and loved his entire life. There is a difference between grieving over a loved one, and grieving over the loss of a killer. Nobody misses the person he became in his last minutes-but I'm sure they miss their son, their brother, their friend, etc. Him turning into a killer in his last minutes doesn't erase the fact that he was a person who was cared for in every other moment of his life. Condemning a family for mourning a loss is just low, in my opinion. The family had nothing to do with the shooting, they didn't put the gun in his hand and the idea in his head-the shooting was in no way a result of anything they did. I really have a hard time with wrapping my head around the idea that people can be so harsh on individuals who have nothing to do with any of it, other than they were friends with or related to the perpetrator. 

Learning how to live.

                 Just before the first of the year, I started thinking, as I think pretty much everyone does at that time of the year, about what I was content with and what things I wanted to change. While there's a few specific things I am working on changing in myself, those aren't relevant here. But, there is one very major thing I am working on accomplishing. But first, I should probably go over what exactly brought me to the realization of what I wanted.


               I've said it before here, but I have some serious anxiety. About a lot-and I mean a LOT-of things. Flying, letting other people drive(I'm barely comfortable with my husband driving. Weird, yes I know), driving in the snow, public speaking, and some other really stupid things. It's gotten really out of control the last couple of years, to the point of me becoming pretty restricted on what I chose to either participate or not participate in. Another thing I've pretty much always worried about is what other people might think of whatever I am doing. Or saying. Or wearing. Or whatever. I've had a lot of stupid worries these last few years. Without realizing what I was doing to myself, I have literally been in this strange "funk" the last few years, and had absolutely no clue and never realized I had slipped into it until well into it, after I had wasted a crap load of time doing things other than how I wanted to. 


           After my husband was hurt and our home burnt down last year, my anxiety increased 150%. Again, I really never realized it. It wasn't until I sat down with a counselor who told me that when I got to the level of stress that those things all caused, that I realized(and was told) that I got to that point and just never remembered to take a deep breath and calm down. 


          I've had a lot of time these last couple of months to do some serious thinking and reflecting, and one day it dawned on me: anxiety is just fear. And in having all of this anxiety, I had managed to become scared. Scared of whatever it was that was coming next. Scared that what happened before could possibly happen again. Scared of anything unknown. Basically, I had pretty much become afraid of just living life. The day that I realized that is what I was doing to myself.....that is what all of a sudden snapped me out of this "funk" I had been caught in the last few years. That is what snapped me into the reality that, unless I started taking whatever steps I needed to in order to move forward in my life, I was going to be caught up in that place and forever unhappy. 


           Here's how I look at it: The fire, Jeff being hurt, all of the bad things that have happened......I'm grateful for all of it. Every single little thing, even if it has hurt me to my core or scared me half to death-I'm grateful for it. It brought me to the realization that there is no point in being afraid to live, and not only live, but live the way that I want to. Jeff getting hurt and the fire were just the two things that forced me to wake up and decide to take control of myself back. All of the bad things before that....Well, those were just things(I like to think of them as "growing pains") that I needed to experience and be put through so that all of the things now...all of the GOOD things.....wouldn't be things I would take for granted. For that, I am extremely blessed. It's because of those things that I look at everything in an entirely new light now, and try my best to put a positive spin on things. I've always been a hard headed person, and this was no different. I think of all of the tramatic, bad experiences that hit us last year as the slap in the face that I needed to wake up. 


            I don't ever want to get back to the place I was in before. I have been so afraid of so much-change, circumstance, the "what ifs," and the "should've, could've, would'ves," that I let that fear take over and I allowed it to control my life. There are still some things that scare me a lot, but it's nothing that is going to have such control over me that it will influence decisions I make. If bad things happen, they happen. We'll deal with them as they come and get through them, just the same as we always have. But I refuse to be controlled by fear and fear alone. I absolutely refuse to be afraid of life and anything it might throw at me. I've already worked toward making some major changes prior to this one, but this one will be a continuous process, and I don't care how long it will take. I am going to (and have already begun) force myself to try new things, to take risks I wouldn't have before, and to say whatever I need to. And if bad things happen...well, like I said before-they happen. Oh well, we'll get past it. But for now, I'm working on getting over all of this fear, and basically learning how to live completely again. 

Updates

 It's been a pretty good last couple of weeks. I'm still working on this goal of getting healthy, and down about 20lbs as of today :-)  It feels good to get the workouts in, and this "clean eating" thing works wonders. I sat down tonight and wrote out my workouts for the next few weeks. It's a good mix of Insanity and Turbo Fire(both from the Beach Body series, look it up if you haven't-they're a blast and very effective!), 3 or 4 different yoga workouts, some strength training and running, and some Zumba dance to lighten it up a bit, but also because I adore dancing and it's just fun :-)  I'm truly amazed though at how eating clean has affected me. My energy level is through the roof and my skin is super clear without all the soda and processed junk running through me. It's been a really positive change, and one that's not too terribly hard to stick with, mostly because I mix up workouts often so they don't become too boring, and I truly enjoy the feeling I get after a good workout. I feel like I get a little stronger everyday both physically and mentally/emotionally, but more than that, I feel like I can take on anything, and that's not a feeling I've always had. But it's definitely one that I wouldn't trade for anything :-) Moving on...


    Jeff and I went to his appointment at behavioral health last week. We went in thinking it was yet another psychologist(or whatever the army's version of them is, they could've gone out and hired a bum to do it for all the good most of them do) who would sit there and write a few notes over the course of an hour, dismiss all of his symptoms as "anxiety and stress" instead of PTSD, and send us on our way. I haven't gone to his behavioral health appointments with him lately, simply because we haven't seen a need for me to, but we agreed that I would go to this one because of all of the problems he's been having with his PTSD and the fact that these "doctors"  have done nothing but brush it off and call it everything but what it really is. This appointment though, was actually a major one for his MEB process, and about 5 hours long. He went over his entire life's story, and at the end of the appointment, the psychologist told us that he was putting a PTSD diagnosis in his paperwork. Which is a VERY good thing. Should Jeff be medically retired out, a PTSD diagnosis carries an automatic 50% rating with it, meaning he will receive 50% retirement pay, at the LEAST. But more importantly than that, it means that the diagnosis is now officially in his file. Meaning that he can now be treated for it and hopefully learn some coping skills and how to function with it. Long story short...it means that my husband's issues are real, and he can now get the help that he needs with it to be able to function everyday at his best. That is all that I really ever wanted for him-for him to be okay.


    Other than that, life lately is just pretty routine and boring. Jeff goes to work and to his appointments, I stay home and keep myself occupied as always. I spend a good portion of the days working out like I said. The last week and a half or so, I haven't seen the results that I would have like to. The next 2 weeks I will be doubling up on workouts and switching the diet up a bit to mostly protein and a ton of veggies. It'll be exhausting I'm sure, but so worth it!I hate the feeling of "you could have done more," so these next couple weeks(to start with) will definitely be about buckling down and working to avoid having that feeling anymore :-)


   Oh, I almost forgot! We began fostering a puppy from one of the local shelters about 10 days ago now. She is almost 3 months old, and we were told that she is a shepherd mix. We call her Maggie, and she almost 10lbs now :-) Just by looking at her, we suspect she may have a little Chow in her, but she's still so little that we will just have to wait and see! We fell in love with her quickly though, it was nuts. She's extremely smart, has already learned the commands I've been working with her on in the 10 days she has been with us, and potty training has been a breeze with her. Plus, she gets along with our dogs, and they adore her so far! Well, except for the fact that Maggie has decided that our Mollie is her own personal chew toy but, she's a puppy and she'll learn what she can get away with with a little time. In the meantime, we decided that she was an amazing fit for our little family, so we went ahead and took ourselves off of the shelter's foster parent list, and took Maggie off of the adoptables list, and she will be staying permanently with us. At the moment, she is all snuggled up at the foot of the bed, and when I close my computer for the night, she will probably come slide herself up next to me and sleep the rest of the night away like that. There is a theory that shelter animals tend to become more bonded when they have been rescued from the shelter by someone. I was never sure if I bought into that or not, but since little miss Maggie has come into the picture, it is definitely something I can believe. She spends her days chasing me around the house, and I am totally okay with that. I absolutely love this little girl :-)

One last thing. After all of the issues with this dang apartment complex and the management that we have had, we decided that we will be finding a rental house and moving out of here shortly. More than likely in the next month. I am BEYOND excited to get out of here and to give our fur babies a place a run and play, and mostly to NOT have to share any walls with rude, noisy neighbors. It will definitely be a good move for Jeff and I and the fur children! 

A little Q & A

1. My favorite place I've ever traveled to is... 


The only place that really comes to mind is North Padre Island. Husband and I took a few mini-vacations there over the summer, and I took a solo weekend trip as well. It's so beautiful there! It's just a small island, off the coast of Corpus Christi, and not much to do aside from the usual "beach town" stuff. I love going down there and playing with my Nikon-I've been lucky enough to capture some gorgeous photos while down there!


2. Bahamas, Ireland & Italy...


Are all pretty far away, but I'd love the chance to visit all three of them!




3. I pass the time on a plane (or bus, or car ride or train) by...


Reading, listening to music, napping, snacking, etc. I've pretty much become a travel pro in these last few years, what with all the running back and forth across the country and all ;-)


4. My three must-haves when I travel are...


My cell phone(usually for safety, but also double as good reading material/games when I'm not driving), some good road music and of course, my darling husband!


5. My favorite travel companion is... 


My husband and my fur children....I'd be lost without them! Aside from them, though-probably Twin. There's (almost) nothing better than a little adventure with your best friend!


6. The craziest thing that ever happened to me while traveling is... 


While Jeff was deployed, I went home to Portland for about a month in 2010. To avoid driving all that way alone, and due to my insane phobia of flying, I opted to take a Greyhound to make the trip from Missouri. On the way back, our bus was WAY late and we all missed our connections. From there, we were rerouted to Omaha, NE, where we wound up getting stuck for over 24 hours while we waited for a bus that went to where we needed to go, and stuck dealing with some VERY nasty employees in the meantime. I haven't taken a Greyhound since that God-awful trip, and I never will again if I can help it!

7. The most exotic food I've ever tried while traveling is... 


I'm not too into the exotic food thing haha....I think sushi is about the most adventurous I've had the nerve to get! Even then, I will only eat the sushi that is cooked or all rice and vegetable-NO way is anything like raw fish coming anywhere NEAR this girl's tummy! :)

8. If I could live anywhere else, I'd live... 


Missouri. Texas is nice I supposed, but Missouri just feels like home. Rogersville is a really small town, lots of country surrounding it, but close enough to Springfield to not be a huge inconvenience, and we have family all around us up there. We've decided that, once all this army stuff is over and done with, Rogersville is where we will settle for good. It feels safe to me and a perfect place to raise our family when we reach that point.

Healthy in all aspects

                So, I posted a month or so ago about having been put on some medication for the anxiety I was experiencing. I had an appointment this last week to further help "treat" the same issue, and had sort of a "duh" moment. 

                

               I've kind of always been a little high strung, but kind of always independent as well. Well, taking the advice of my primary doctor, I started some counseling appointments to help deal with what is causing the anxiety. So far, I love the doctor I've been set up with. After going over some of the event of the last year and a half, and a few from further back, she basically validated that everything that I have been experiencing emotionally has just cause for being an issue. Things like having your spouse deploy and all of the worry that comes with it, having a close family member suddenly pass away shortly after, having your spouse wounded and being uprooted to an entirely new/unfamiliar/unstable place, and then having your home burn down very shortly after that......those events aren't just ones that you can deal with and then brush off. I never realized just how much they had actually affected me. I was catching myself snapping at my husband and realizing how short my temper was without any really good reason. At the same time, I was still kind of in "deployment mode".....you know, the one where you're the one left at home, waiting on your other half to come back, and taking care of everything alone and on your own in the meantime. I never really realized up until these last couple of appointments how much all of that stress and all of those feelings had just stuck with me all this time. The thing is....once you reach that level of stress and anxiety....it's hard to find when the "off" switch is, or to deal with what you're going through and letting someone else handle things for a little while. Or at the very least, handing over *part* of the "load" to someone other than yourself.   

        After I had explained and gone through everything that had happened with this doctor, she looked at me and literally went "well, no WONDER you're so high strung." I have to admit, I laughed. The way that she explained it to me is that after all of these terrible things happened, my stress level raised to a certain level and just stuck there, and has been sitting up there ever since they happened. It's like I've been "waiting on the other shoe to drop," or in other words, waiting on the next awful thing to happen. I didn't realize it until she said it, much less did I know how to deal with what I was experiencing, but as soon as she said that.....I don't know, it was like this giant weight was just lifted off of me. Like someone FINALLY understood what it was that I have been dealing with all this time, and I could just breath again. I really have never been much into the idea of counseling and whatnot, but after this last week.....I can definitely see the benefits of continuing to see this doctor. Sometimes all you really need to do is just talk to someone neutral to your situation so that you can have some sense made of whatever it may be that you are experiencing. 

      One of the other major changes that I (or we, really, seeing as how Jeff and I have both been trying it out)have made is our diet habits. I had been doing some research on this so-called "clean diet," and decided that it seemed like it could be a good fit for us. We were both having some digestive issues, and had developed some really poor habits as far as junk food and soda were concerned, so there was absolutely no harm in trying this "clean" thing out. For the last few years, I've also had some metabolic issues, where it hasn't functioned the way that it should have been. So when I went in to get that issue taken care of, I asked my doctor about it and she said she strongly recommended it. So, we jumped in. We started buying a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables, replaced our junk snacks with things like nuts, berries, fruits and veggies, started buying more water and quit buying the junk food and soda. At the same time, I've spent more time than ever working out and forcing myself to find a routine that allows me to get in a couple hours of a workout in daily, yet still allots time for my school work and housekeeping, as well as anything else(errands, phone calls that need to be made, etc) done that needs to be. So far, I've actually been amazed by it. Jeff has kind of been easing into it, while I've pretty much just dove in head first and am loving it. The digestive issues we were having with all of the junk/processed products seem to have worked themselves out, I managed to kick to soda and more importantly, my COFFEE (if you know anything about me, you know that I have been a serious coffee junkie for years)habits, and I have an insane amount of energy without all of the junk just sitting in my body. It feels SO nice to be able to get through a day without that dragging feeling I always used to get, AND I've already managed to drop 18lbs(insert happy dance here). So this "clean" thing definitely has some pretty major benefits. One of the biggest reasons I'm loving it is because you don't FEEL like it's a "diet." You don't feel like you're depriving yourself of anything, and your meals are broken down into several smaller ones, so your body is constantly fueled, leaving no chance to have that dragging feeling kick in like I got before. I gained a ton of weight a couple years ago, mostly because of a medication I had been put on but also because of poor nutritional habits, and I've tried a bunch of stuff to get it off, but this has by far been my favorite habit to replace the old, poor ones. I could never have run a mile a month ago, and I did that for the first time in years today. Definitely a change that I can see sticking with as long as it is this good to me :-) I'm not at all into the "new year's resolutions," and it's kind of just coincidence that these changes are being made now, but I feel like this change, along with the counseling I'm currently getting, are all things that will allow me to be 100% healthy in every aspect of my life. The idea of everything "running smoothly" is one that I am pretty fond of, I have to say.

      Something off topic and random....I'm involved with this group of really awesome women who are also all on this mission to get healthy. Not specifically to lose weight or to look a certain way, but to be HEALTHY. Meaning that together, we are all "retraining" ourselves into healthier habits as far as working out and food are concerned. One of the things I've noticed that kind of concerns me is exactly how unsupportive some of their spouses can be. The thing that has helped me more than anything else is the support during this change that I receive from my dear husband. I'll admit, it was a bit awkward at first to ask him about certain workouts or just whatever I had questions about, but he has never once made me feel stupid or uncomfortable or most importantly, made me feel like it's not "safe" (emotionally) to talk to him and ask him things. But since I have gotten used to the fact that it is "okay" to talk to him about this stuff.....I haven't had any problems just talking to him, and if anything, he's been pushing me along just as much as I have been pushing myself. I can't imagine not having that, and I've seen posts from women saying how their husband gave them crap about what they were doing, or teasing them because they had chosen not to eat certain things, etc. I get that there is light-hearted teasing that goes on, but what I was reading was pretty vicious. I cannot for the life of me how someone that you gave the rest of your life to, for better or for worse and in sickness and in health, could ever possibly be anything BUT supportive of whatever it is that you have chosen to do, ESPECIALLY when it comes to something like pushing yourself to get healthy. I'm not naive, I know that there are far too many marriages/relationship that are ridiculously unhealthy and lack communication and encouragement. I also know that I am insanely lucky to be married to such an amazing person who not only supports me in whatever I am doing, but who I am comfortable talking to about anything and completely being myself with. Not to mention that he has done whatever I have asked him so that he can help me push myself with certain things. We basically have that relationship that everyone idealizes when they think of marriage-there is nothing off limits, he is absolutely my best friend and soul mate, and I love that the marriage that I dreamt of long before I ever met my husband, is now the exact one that we have created together. I guess it just blows my mind that you would marry someone and then completely disengage yourself from what they are interested in or doing, particularly when it comes to something that requires a ton of moral support in order for you to be successful at it. I've seen it happen time and time again, but I just find it upsetting when people take each other for granted when so many people would kill to have someone there at all. 

I think that's about all I have to say for right now, and it is far past *this* girl's bedtime haha :-) Happy Monday, goodnight! 

      

Bring it on.

                    
             A few things have been on my mind this week, and I haven't been 100% sure how to approach venting....whether or not I should, or if I should instead just keep it to myself. I've come to this simple conclusion: People can go ahead and draw whatever conclusion they may. My thoughts and opinions are my own, and if you disagree with me....don't read or listen to what I have to say-it's really just that simple.


          Some of this started over leave when we went back to Oregon on leave at Thanksgiving. It seems impossible for me to visit there without "someone"(you know who you are, and so do those that matter) causing drama and trying to convince me and anyone who will listen what a terrible person I am, for the zillionth time. This person has caused so much chaos in my life, it's not even funny. I'm not sure if she feels the need to try to force me to be unhappy because SHE is, or if she genuinely just likes to be the source of drama. Either way, I refuse to allow it to happen to myself, and more importantly, my family. This has, in the past, had the ability to make me more angry than I can even find words to describe. This is someone who lives in absolute filth, was abusive both physically *and* emotionally, tried telling people that I was bipolar because she would push me to the point that I was at the absolute end of my rope and then call me crazy, and who puts on the biggest, fakest show for anyone who will so much as look in her direction. Not to say I'm 100% innocent of any wrong-doing during these times, but I also wasn't the adult in the situation and she should have acted like the adult. She is someone who, instead of owning up to her faults and mistakes, prefers to push them under the rug and pretend as if all is well and none of it ever happened, and who more times than not(until now), has been capable of reducing me to a giant ball of an anxiety-ridden, angry mess of a person. I refuse to allow her that power anymore.


        I've had several people, BECAUSE of things that this person has said and spread around, either tell me what a horrible person I am, how worthless I am because of what they have heard about me and even how "disrespectful" I have been toward her. You know what? There have ABSOLUTELY been times that I have been more disrespectful than I care to admit toward her, but guess what? In my eyes, respect is something that is EARNED, not given, and she has done NOTHING to earn mine-I don't care if I am the younger one and therefore supposed to respect her-she doesn't deserve it. If anything, I have lost an insane amount of respect for her because of her own actions these last years. Is there bitterness there on my part? Definitely-I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't. But people have to realize that all of these feelings of bitterness, of anger, of resentment that I have for this person.....those don't just happen for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason for those feelings to be present. So to those people that have apparently taken "her" side and done the name calling and informed me of their opinions on this particular issue.....just stop. PLEASE trust me when I say that all of the feelings I have toward her or lack for her....all of that is earned. I am anything but "crazy" and don't have bi-polar as SHE has claimed-those things are ALL things she made up. Prior to the last year, I have been to a psychiatrist TWICE in my life-once at about age 13 and again at about 21-22ish. At no point was bi-polar EVER mentioned. I sought a psychiatric opinion around 21-22 because she is SO good at twisting things, that she even had me doubting my own sanity at one point. I was absolved of any psychiatric issues, with the exception of some anxiety-anxiety that began because of issues she had caused. So as I said, PLEASE TRUST ME when I say that NONE of these things she made up are true. As for those people who feel the need to tell me what they think of this situation, how horrible of a person I am, and how to handle this...your opinions have no bearing on any decision I make whatsoever. Please don't waste your time informing me of them. 


      As much as many people have disagreed with my decision in regards to this person.....you can't understand my stand on it until you have been in my place and dealt with all that I have. I have spent a lot of time being hurt both by this person, and because of things this person has said and done.  I am making my best effort at this time to cut this person out of both my and my husband's life 100%. You can disagree with it all you want, but I've exhausted any other options. I've tried my best to make things better and nothing works, so this is the last resort and unfortunately, this is what it has come down to. It's a decision that I've wrestled some with and slept on, and this is the decision that I have made for us. 


       I cannot continue to allow this person the ability to cause disruption and chaos in my or my family's life, it's unhealthy at best. What I want for us is to be allowed to opportunity to be happy and content in our life together, to be able to move forward in a healthy marriage and to provide the strongest, most communicative relationship that we possibly can to each other and our family later on down the road. I want us to be able to live this life the way that we want to, without someone causing commotion at every turn and creating unnecessary issues. My decision to cut this person out has not been a fast one, or a less-than-well-thought out one-it's taken me a lot of time to reach this conclusion. I realize that not everyone is going to be happy about it, Lord knows I've already received opinions of it from "her" side, but I don't care. I'm doing what I need to in order to maintain a healthy family and that is the only thing that matters to me. God help the person that decides to try to come between us and being the best that we can be for each other, as she has quickly found out. 


          I am sorry for being so vague, but the people involved in this will know what I am speaking of here, and I don't wish to post names but wanted to share my "side" of things that are happening and have been going on. Bless my poor husband, he has had to help me deal with this one and as I said, it has not been easy but he has been so wonderful through it and I could not be more blessed to have my best friend holding my hand through this crazy life that we lead. I will say though, that after having been through everything that I have, and then a deployment with my husband and especially this last year through all of the things that have happened, I have never felt stronger in my life. It has all been really overwhelming at times and there have been a ton of downs and just as many ups, but at the end of the day, we have gotten through it all and have yet to break. So, anything or anyone else that feels the need to throw anything tough in our direction......YOU DON'T SCARE ME! Bring it on. I have the best people supporting me and am truly blessed for this life I have been given and would not trade any of it, even the bad parts, for anything. Every ounce of it has brought me to who I am, which at this current moment the strongest & smartest that I have ever been, the most focused I have been in ages, and the most confident I have ever been despite anyone who has said or called me anything negative and tried to prevent me from being this way. All I can say to all those people who have tried to break me with all of that negativity is this:




                                                                I WIN!!!

Thanksgiving and some other junk.

   
     It's been a little while since I've bothered writing anything here lately.  Blame Thanksgiving, my birthday, and one hell of a "vacation," ha ha :-)




    The husband and I decided that we would spend both my birthday and Thanksgiving(since my birthday was a day before Thanksgiving) this year up in Portland, where I'm from. Two words: Never. Again.


    Okay well, maybe not *never* again, but we'll definitely have to do some better planning the next time we decide to head back up there, and we more than likely will never drive during this time of year again. The trip up was absolutely hellacious, to say the least. It was gorgeous all the way up until we hit Oregon, and after we stopped to visit my great aunt & uncle in southern Oregon...that's when the "fun" started. I may or may not(I probably did though)have messed with our GPS and changed our route a bit-it was shorter the way that I changed it to. Problem was, the "shorter" route included the most ridiculous mountain pass in the whole damn state, and(just our luck!) we got caught in some freak snow storm that was completely unforeseen by any weather forecast. So, we get a little bit up the mountain, ran into some crazy snow and wind, decided it was too much for our car(which we didn't have chains on), and back doooowwwn the mountain we went. Talk about epic.freaking.FAIL. 


   Long story short, we finally made it up to portland the next day, spent about 10 days, had the usual mother-induced drama that apparently is a must-have with any visit we make to Portland(the kind where your mom gets SUPER mad that you don't revolve your schedule around her 100% of the time you're in town, not to mention a bunch of other petty dramatic antics), packed up and headed back to Texas. We took the I-5 route home, which was MUCH easier(with the exception of a few areas where there were some really strong winds-mostly in California and Arizona), and made it back here just fine. I can't say I'm overly thrilled to be back "home" here, but it is what it is and I'll make the best of the time we need to spend here.  


    This last week I was able to get mostly caught up on school work and get into the doctor's appointment I've been slacking on making. It was interesting, to say the least.  I've had all of this anxiety the last year or so, that I wasn't 100% sure where it was coming from. Obviously the cause for some of it was the mister's deployment and all of the stress that went along with that(you know, hoping he didn't die that day and trying to keep that whole "no news is good news" idea in my head when I would go days and sometimes weeks without a phone call-that sort of stress),  along with the stress that came along with him getting hurt earlier this year and then the fire that destroyed our home a month after that.  Not to mention the things that happened while he was still deployed-my back injury from work, my Papa passing away a couple of months after he deployed, etc.  I was in the doctor's office no more than 40 minutes before she said that she thinks all the anxiety I've been experiencing is more than likely due to some form of PTSD. I have to tell you, I about cracked up when she said those for letters. My husband, for the last 10 months, has been experiencing some PTSD himself, which is totally understandable, if not expected, after everything that he has been through and seen in his almost 8 years in the military, and 3 combat deployments. They've told him each time that he doesn't have it. I found it rather ironic that I myself, as a wife, never having been to any of the places he has or seen a fraction of what he has seen, can be more easily diagnosed as having something that shouldn't even be in question for him to have, than my husband can. It almost makes me thing that they are just refusing to say that he has is because they simply just don't want to pay him what would be owed to him. Since he is going through the MEB board process right now due to his injuries, a PTSD diagnoses automatically earns him a 50% rating-meaning that he automatically gets 50% of his retirement pay should he be MEB boarded out or when he retires. It seems a tad ridiculous that they would have an issue diagnosing someone who's done 3 combat deployments with something as basic as PTSD, but that's an issue for a different blog :) My doctor wound up putting me on an extremely low dosage of a medication called Effexor that is supposed to keep your anxiety in check, without making you feel all zombie-like. So far, so good. I've managed to not be so high strung and moody since starting it, which is definitely a good thing :-)


    Another thing I had in mind to blog about.....being put on medication for things like anxiety. There are some people who would rather not talk about things like that, simply because of the stigma that tends to accompany it. That whole "taking medication means you're crazy." No, no it does not-not at all. I've been guilty of those same thoughts myself, but it's so far from being true.  A lot of time, it just means that you need a little help getting your emotions in check. For me, it means I get to sleep much better than I was before, because I don't have as much difficulty  "shutting my brain off" when it's time for bed. People seriously underestimate anxiety-it can actually cause some serious problems. Personally, it's been an exhausting thing-to be "wound up" all the time. After everything that has happened in the last 15 months or so.....it's been really hard to calm down and just relax. It's almost been like I've been waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I've been moodier than I care to admit, and bless my poor husband-he's been having to put up with it. The medication I was put on earlier this week has been a blessing. It means I get to relax and quit lashing out at people and just enjoy things a lot more than I was able to before. It doesn't make me "crazy,"  it just lets me be better-functioning because I'm not exhausted constantly. If you need a little help to deal with things, so be it. There's nothing wrong with it, and there certainly shouldn't be any shame in it. We're all human, needing help is a totally normal thing and nobody should be embarrassed or afraid to admit that :-)


   Okay, now that I've written ya'll a nice long novel....I think I'll head to bed :-) Hope everybody has a great week! :-)