Learning how to live.

                 Just before the first of the year, I started thinking, as I think pretty much everyone does at that time of the year, about what I was content with and what things I wanted to change. While there's a few specific things I am working on changing in myself, those aren't relevant here. But, there is one very major thing I am working on accomplishing. But first, I should probably go over what exactly brought me to the realization of what I wanted.


               I've said it before here, but I have some serious anxiety. About a lot-and I mean a LOT-of things. Flying, letting other people drive(I'm barely comfortable with my husband driving. Weird, yes I know), driving in the snow, public speaking, and some other really stupid things. It's gotten really out of control the last couple of years, to the point of me becoming pretty restricted on what I chose to either participate or not participate in. Another thing I've pretty much always worried about is what other people might think of whatever I am doing. Or saying. Or wearing. Or whatever. I've had a lot of stupid worries these last few years. Without realizing what I was doing to myself, I have literally been in this strange "funk" the last few years, and had absolutely no clue and never realized I had slipped into it until well into it, after I had wasted a crap load of time doing things other than how I wanted to. 


           After my husband was hurt and our home burnt down last year, my anxiety increased 150%. Again, I really never realized it. It wasn't until I sat down with a counselor who told me that when I got to the level of stress that those things all caused, that I realized(and was told) that I got to that point and just never remembered to take a deep breath and calm down. 


          I've had a lot of time these last couple of months to do some serious thinking and reflecting, and one day it dawned on me: anxiety is just fear. And in having all of this anxiety, I had managed to become scared. Scared of whatever it was that was coming next. Scared that what happened before could possibly happen again. Scared of anything unknown. Basically, I had pretty much become afraid of just living life. The day that I realized that is what I was doing to myself.....that is what all of a sudden snapped me out of this "funk" I had been caught in the last few years. That is what snapped me into the reality that, unless I started taking whatever steps I needed to in order to move forward in my life, I was going to be caught up in that place and forever unhappy. 


           Here's how I look at it: The fire, Jeff being hurt, all of the bad things that have happened......I'm grateful for all of it. Every single little thing, even if it has hurt me to my core or scared me half to death-I'm grateful for it. It brought me to the realization that there is no point in being afraid to live, and not only live, but live the way that I want to. Jeff getting hurt and the fire were just the two things that forced me to wake up and decide to take control of myself back. All of the bad things before that....Well, those were just things(I like to think of them as "growing pains") that I needed to experience and be put through so that all of the things now...all of the GOOD things.....wouldn't be things I would take for granted. For that, I am extremely blessed. It's because of those things that I look at everything in an entirely new light now, and try my best to put a positive spin on things. I've always been a hard headed person, and this was no different. I think of all of the tramatic, bad experiences that hit us last year as the slap in the face that I needed to wake up. 


            I don't ever want to get back to the place I was in before. I have been so afraid of so much-change, circumstance, the "what ifs," and the "should've, could've, would'ves," that I let that fear take over and I allowed it to control my life. There are still some things that scare me a lot, but it's nothing that is going to have such control over me that it will influence decisions I make. If bad things happen, they happen. We'll deal with them as they come and get through them, just the same as we always have. But I refuse to be controlled by fear and fear alone. I absolutely refuse to be afraid of life and anything it might throw at me. I've already worked toward making some major changes prior to this one, but this one will be a continuous process, and I don't care how long it will take. I am going to (and have already begun) force myself to try new things, to take risks I wouldn't have before, and to say whatever I need to. And if bad things happen...well, like I said before-they happen. Oh well, we'll get past it. But for now, I'm working on getting over all of this fear, and basically learning how to live completely again. 

Healthy in all aspects

                So, I posted a month or so ago about having been put on some medication for the anxiety I was experiencing. I had an appointment this last week to further help "treat" the same issue, and had sort of a "duh" moment. 

                

               I've kind of always been a little high strung, but kind of always independent as well. Well, taking the advice of my primary doctor, I started some counseling appointments to help deal with what is causing the anxiety. So far, I love the doctor I've been set up with. After going over some of the event of the last year and a half, and a few from further back, she basically validated that everything that I have been experiencing emotionally has just cause for being an issue. Things like having your spouse deploy and all of the worry that comes with it, having a close family member suddenly pass away shortly after, having your spouse wounded and being uprooted to an entirely new/unfamiliar/unstable place, and then having your home burn down very shortly after that......those events aren't just ones that you can deal with and then brush off. I never realized just how much they had actually affected me. I was catching myself snapping at my husband and realizing how short my temper was without any really good reason. At the same time, I was still kind of in "deployment mode".....you know, the one where you're the one left at home, waiting on your other half to come back, and taking care of everything alone and on your own in the meantime. I never really realized up until these last couple of appointments how much all of that stress and all of those feelings had just stuck with me all this time. The thing is....once you reach that level of stress and anxiety....it's hard to find when the "off" switch is, or to deal with what you're going through and letting someone else handle things for a little while. Or at the very least, handing over *part* of the "load" to someone other than yourself.   

        After I had explained and gone through everything that had happened with this doctor, she looked at me and literally went "well, no WONDER you're so high strung." I have to admit, I laughed. The way that she explained it to me is that after all of these terrible things happened, my stress level raised to a certain level and just stuck there, and has been sitting up there ever since they happened. It's like I've been "waiting on the other shoe to drop," or in other words, waiting on the next awful thing to happen. I didn't realize it until she said it, much less did I know how to deal with what I was experiencing, but as soon as she said that.....I don't know, it was like this giant weight was just lifted off of me. Like someone FINALLY understood what it was that I have been dealing with all this time, and I could just breath again. I really have never been much into the idea of counseling and whatnot, but after this last week.....I can definitely see the benefits of continuing to see this doctor. Sometimes all you really need to do is just talk to someone neutral to your situation so that you can have some sense made of whatever it may be that you are experiencing. 

      One of the other major changes that I (or we, really, seeing as how Jeff and I have both been trying it out)have made is our diet habits. I had been doing some research on this so-called "clean diet," and decided that it seemed like it could be a good fit for us. We were both having some digestive issues, and had developed some really poor habits as far as junk food and soda were concerned, so there was absolutely no harm in trying this "clean" thing out. For the last few years, I've also had some metabolic issues, where it hasn't functioned the way that it should have been. So when I went in to get that issue taken care of, I asked my doctor about it and she said she strongly recommended it. So, we jumped in. We started buying a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables, replaced our junk snacks with things like nuts, berries, fruits and veggies, started buying more water and quit buying the junk food and soda. At the same time, I've spent more time than ever working out and forcing myself to find a routine that allows me to get in a couple hours of a workout in daily, yet still allots time for my school work and housekeeping, as well as anything else(errands, phone calls that need to be made, etc) done that needs to be. So far, I've actually been amazed by it. Jeff has kind of been easing into it, while I've pretty much just dove in head first and am loving it. The digestive issues we were having with all of the junk/processed products seem to have worked themselves out, I managed to kick to soda and more importantly, my COFFEE (if you know anything about me, you know that I have been a serious coffee junkie for years)habits, and I have an insane amount of energy without all of the junk just sitting in my body. It feels SO nice to be able to get through a day without that dragging feeling I always used to get, AND I've already managed to drop 18lbs(insert happy dance here). So this "clean" thing definitely has some pretty major benefits. One of the biggest reasons I'm loving it is because you don't FEEL like it's a "diet." You don't feel like you're depriving yourself of anything, and your meals are broken down into several smaller ones, so your body is constantly fueled, leaving no chance to have that dragging feeling kick in like I got before. I gained a ton of weight a couple years ago, mostly because of a medication I had been put on but also because of poor nutritional habits, and I've tried a bunch of stuff to get it off, but this has by far been my favorite habit to replace the old, poor ones. I could never have run a mile a month ago, and I did that for the first time in years today. Definitely a change that I can see sticking with as long as it is this good to me :-) I'm not at all into the "new year's resolutions," and it's kind of just coincidence that these changes are being made now, but I feel like this change, along with the counseling I'm currently getting, are all things that will allow me to be 100% healthy in every aspect of my life. The idea of everything "running smoothly" is one that I am pretty fond of, I have to say.

      Something off topic and random....I'm involved with this group of really awesome women who are also all on this mission to get healthy. Not specifically to lose weight or to look a certain way, but to be HEALTHY. Meaning that together, we are all "retraining" ourselves into healthier habits as far as working out and food are concerned. One of the things I've noticed that kind of concerns me is exactly how unsupportive some of their spouses can be. The thing that has helped me more than anything else is the support during this change that I receive from my dear husband. I'll admit, it was a bit awkward at first to ask him about certain workouts or just whatever I had questions about, but he has never once made me feel stupid or uncomfortable or most importantly, made me feel like it's not "safe" (emotionally) to talk to him and ask him things. But since I have gotten used to the fact that it is "okay" to talk to him about this stuff.....I haven't had any problems just talking to him, and if anything, he's been pushing me along just as much as I have been pushing myself. I can't imagine not having that, and I've seen posts from women saying how their husband gave them crap about what they were doing, or teasing them because they had chosen not to eat certain things, etc. I get that there is light-hearted teasing that goes on, but what I was reading was pretty vicious. I cannot for the life of me how someone that you gave the rest of your life to, for better or for worse and in sickness and in health, could ever possibly be anything BUT supportive of whatever it is that you have chosen to do, ESPECIALLY when it comes to something like pushing yourself to get healthy. I'm not naive, I know that there are far too many marriages/relationship that are ridiculously unhealthy and lack communication and encouragement. I also know that I am insanely lucky to be married to such an amazing person who not only supports me in whatever I am doing, but who I am comfortable talking to about anything and completely being myself with. Not to mention that he has done whatever I have asked him so that he can help me push myself with certain things. We basically have that relationship that everyone idealizes when they think of marriage-there is nothing off limits, he is absolutely my best friend and soul mate, and I love that the marriage that I dreamt of long before I ever met my husband, is now the exact one that we have created together. I guess it just blows my mind that you would marry someone and then completely disengage yourself from what they are interested in or doing, particularly when it comes to something that requires a ton of moral support in order for you to be successful at it. I've seen it happen time and time again, but I just find it upsetting when people take each other for granted when so many people would kill to have someone there at all. 

I think that's about all I have to say for right now, and it is far past *this* girl's bedtime haha :-) Happy Monday, goodnight! 

      

Thanksgiving and some other junk.

   
     It's been a little while since I've bothered writing anything here lately.  Blame Thanksgiving, my birthday, and one hell of a "vacation," ha ha :-)




    The husband and I decided that we would spend both my birthday and Thanksgiving(since my birthday was a day before Thanksgiving) this year up in Portland, where I'm from. Two words: Never. Again.


    Okay well, maybe not *never* again, but we'll definitely have to do some better planning the next time we decide to head back up there, and we more than likely will never drive during this time of year again. The trip up was absolutely hellacious, to say the least. It was gorgeous all the way up until we hit Oregon, and after we stopped to visit my great aunt & uncle in southern Oregon...that's when the "fun" started. I may or may not(I probably did though)have messed with our GPS and changed our route a bit-it was shorter the way that I changed it to. Problem was, the "shorter" route included the most ridiculous mountain pass in the whole damn state, and(just our luck!) we got caught in some freak snow storm that was completely unforeseen by any weather forecast. So, we get a little bit up the mountain, ran into some crazy snow and wind, decided it was too much for our car(which we didn't have chains on), and back doooowwwn the mountain we went. Talk about epic.freaking.FAIL. 


   Long story short, we finally made it up to portland the next day, spent about 10 days, had the usual mother-induced drama that apparently is a must-have with any visit we make to Portland(the kind where your mom gets SUPER mad that you don't revolve your schedule around her 100% of the time you're in town, not to mention a bunch of other petty dramatic antics), packed up and headed back to Texas. We took the I-5 route home, which was MUCH easier(with the exception of a few areas where there were some really strong winds-mostly in California and Arizona), and made it back here just fine. I can't say I'm overly thrilled to be back "home" here, but it is what it is and I'll make the best of the time we need to spend here.  


    This last week I was able to get mostly caught up on school work and get into the doctor's appointment I've been slacking on making. It was interesting, to say the least.  I've had all of this anxiety the last year or so, that I wasn't 100% sure where it was coming from. Obviously the cause for some of it was the mister's deployment and all of the stress that went along with that(you know, hoping he didn't die that day and trying to keep that whole "no news is good news" idea in my head when I would go days and sometimes weeks without a phone call-that sort of stress),  along with the stress that came along with him getting hurt earlier this year and then the fire that destroyed our home a month after that.  Not to mention the things that happened while he was still deployed-my back injury from work, my Papa passing away a couple of months after he deployed, etc.  I was in the doctor's office no more than 40 minutes before she said that she thinks all the anxiety I've been experiencing is more than likely due to some form of PTSD. I have to tell you, I about cracked up when she said those for letters. My husband, for the last 10 months, has been experiencing some PTSD himself, which is totally understandable, if not expected, after everything that he has been through and seen in his almost 8 years in the military, and 3 combat deployments. They've told him each time that he doesn't have it. I found it rather ironic that I myself, as a wife, never having been to any of the places he has or seen a fraction of what he has seen, can be more easily diagnosed as having something that shouldn't even be in question for him to have, than my husband can. It almost makes me thing that they are just refusing to say that he has is because they simply just don't want to pay him what would be owed to him. Since he is going through the MEB board process right now due to his injuries, a PTSD diagnoses automatically earns him a 50% rating-meaning that he automatically gets 50% of his retirement pay should he be MEB boarded out or when he retires. It seems a tad ridiculous that they would have an issue diagnosing someone who's done 3 combat deployments with something as basic as PTSD, but that's an issue for a different blog :) My doctor wound up putting me on an extremely low dosage of a medication called Effexor that is supposed to keep your anxiety in check, without making you feel all zombie-like. So far, so good. I've managed to not be so high strung and moody since starting it, which is definitely a good thing :-)


    Another thing I had in mind to blog about.....being put on medication for things like anxiety. There are some people who would rather not talk about things like that, simply because of the stigma that tends to accompany it. That whole "taking medication means you're crazy." No, no it does not-not at all. I've been guilty of those same thoughts myself, but it's so far from being true.  A lot of time, it just means that you need a little help getting your emotions in check. For me, it means I get to sleep much better than I was before, because I don't have as much difficulty  "shutting my brain off" when it's time for bed. People seriously underestimate anxiety-it can actually cause some serious problems. Personally, it's been an exhausting thing-to be "wound up" all the time. After everything that has happened in the last 15 months or so.....it's been really hard to calm down and just relax. It's almost been like I've been waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I've been moodier than I care to admit, and bless my poor husband-he's been having to put up with it. The medication I was put on earlier this week has been a blessing. It means I get to relax and quit lashing out at people and just enjoy things a lot more than I was able to before. It doesn't make me "crazy,"  it just lets me be better-functioning because I'm not exhausted constantly. If you need a little help to deal with things, so be it. There's nothing wrong with it, and there certainly shouldn't be any shame in it. We're all human, needing help is a totally normal thing and nobody should be embarrassed or afraid to admit that :-)


   Okay, now that I've written ya'll a nice long novel....I think I'll head to bed :-) Hope everybody has a great week! :-)