Bring it on.

                    
             A few things have been on my mind this week, and I haven't been 100% sure how to approach venting....whether or not I should, or if I should instead just keep it to myself. I've come to this simple conclusion: People can go ahead and draw whatever conclusion they may. My thoughts and opinions are my own, and if you disagree with me....don't read or listen to what I have to say-it's really just that simple.


          Some of this started over leave when we went back to Oregon on leave at Thanksgiving. It seems impossible for me to visit there without "someone"(you know who you are, and so do those that matter) causing drama and trying to convince me and anyone who will listen what a terrible person I am, for the zillionth time. This person has caused so much chaos in my life, it's not even funny. I'm not sure if she feels the need to try to force me to be unhappy because SHE is, or if she genuinely just likes to be the source of drama. Either way, I refuse to allow it to happen to myself, and more importantly, my family. This has, in the past, had the ability to make me more angry than I can even find words to describe. This is someone who lives in absolute filth, was abusive both physically *and* emotionally, tried telling people that I was bipolar because she would push me to the point that I was at the absolute end of my rope and then call me crazy, and who puts on the biggest, fakest show for anyone who will so much as look in her direction. Not to say I'm 100% innocent of any wrong-doing during these times, but I also wasn't the adult in the situation and she should have acted like the adult. She is someone who, instead of owning up to her faults and mistakes, prefers to push them under the rug and pretend as if all is well and none of it ever happened, and who more times than not(until now), has been capable of reducing me to a giant ball of an anxiety-ridden, angry mess of a person. I refuse to allow her that power anymore.


        I've had several people, BECAUSE of things that this person has said and spread around, either tell me what a horrible person I am, how worthless I am because of what they have heard about me and even how "disrespectful" I have been toward her. You know what? There have ABSOLUTELY been times that I have been more disrespectful than I care to admit toward her, but guess what? In my eyes, respect is something that is EARNED, not given, and she has done NOTHING to earn mine-I don't care if I am the younger one and therefore supposed to respect her-she doesn't deserve it. If anything, I have lost an insane amount of respect for her because of her own actions these last years. Is there bitterness there on my part? Definitely-I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't. But people have to realize that all of these feelings of bitterness, of anger, of resentment that I have for this person.....those don't just happen for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason for those feelings to be present. So to those people that have apparently taken "her" side and done the name calling and informed me of their opinions on this particular issue.....just stop. PLEASE trust me when I say that all of the feelings I have toward her or lack for her....all of that is earned. I am anything but "crazy" and don't have bi-polar as SHE has claimed-those things are ALL things she made up. Prior to the last year, I have been to a psychiatrist TWICE in my life-once at about age 13 and again at about 21-22ish. At no point was bi-polar EVER mentioned. I sought a psychiatric opinion around 21-22 because she is SO good at twisting things, that she even had me doubting my own sanity at one point. I was absolved of any psychiatric issues, with the exception of some anxiety-anxiety that began because of issues she had caused. So as I said, PLEASE TRUST ME when I say that NONE of these things she made up are true. As for those people who feel the need to tell me what they think of this situation, how horrible of a person I am, and how to handle this...your opinions have no bearing on any decision I make whatsoever. Please don't waste your time informing me of them. 


      As much as many people have disagreed with my decision in regards to this person.....you can't understand my stand on it until you have been in my place and dealt with all that I have. I have spent a lot of time being hurt both by this person, and because of things this person has said and done.  I am making my best effort at this time to cut this person out of both my and my husband's life 100%. You can disagree with it all you want, but I've exhausted any other options. I've tried my best to make things better and nothing works, so this is the last resort and unfortunately, this is what it has come down to. It's a decision that I've wrestled some with and slept on, and this is the decision that I have made for us. 


       I cannot continue to allow this person the ability to cause disruption and chaos in my or my family's life, it's unhealthy at best. What I want for us is to be allowed to opportunity to be happy and content in our life together, to be able to move forward in a healthy marriage and to provide the strongest, most communicative relationship that we possibly can to each other and our family later on down the road. I want us to be able to live this life the way that we want to, without someone causing commotion at every turn and creating unnecessary issues. My decision to cut this person out has not been a fast one, or a less-than-well-thought out one-it's taken me a lot of time to reach this conclusion. I realize that not everyone is going to be happy about it, Lord knows I've already received opinions of it from "her" side, but I don't care. I'm doing what I need to in order to maintain a healthy family and that is the only thing that matters to me. God help the person that decides to try to come between us and being the best that we can be for each other, as she has quickly found out. 


          I am sorry for being so vague, but the people involved in this will know what I am speaking of here, and I don't wish to post names but wanted to share my "side" of things that are happening and have been going on. Bless my poor husband, he has had to help me deal with this one and as I said, it has not been easy but he has been so wonderful through it and I could not be more blessed to have my best friend holding my hand through this crazy life that we lead. I will say though, that after having been through everything that I have, and then a deployment with my husband and especially this last year through all of the things that have happened, I have never felt stronger in my life. It has all been really overwhelming at times and there have been a ton of downs and just as many ups, but at the end of the day, we have gotten through it all and have yet to break. So, anything or anyone else that feels the need to throw anything tough in our direction......YOU DON'T SCARE ME! Bring it on. I have the best people supporting me and am truly blessed for this life I have been given and would not trade any of it, even the bad parts, for anything. Every ounce of it has brought me to who I am, which at this current moment the strongest & smartest that I have ever been, the most focused I have been in ages, and the most confident I have ever been despite anyone who has said or called me anything negative and tried to prevent me from being this way. All I can say to all those people who have tried to break me with all of that negativity is this:




                                                                I WIN!!!